Aries
The Ram
Aries the Ram: congratulations! You are a sheep!
If you are a male you go about head-butting
other rams, shagging lady sheep and eating grass.
(When you're not smoking it).
If you are a lady sheep then you spend your
time avidly avoiding rams - and Welshmen.
Beware the wolves in sheep's clothing! They
are watching you, salivating savagely, waiting
for a chance to eat you all up. Oh my! What
big teeth they have! The wolves in sheep's clothing
appear harmless, even respectable, to you. Alas!
The wolves' disguise will evade your fading
eyesight. Luckily you will be able recognise
them from their job titles: lawyers, Hubbard-scientologists,
Jehovas witnesses, astrologers, etc. etc. They
are dogs and will tell you lies so they can
fleece you before they sink their rapier teeth
into your tender, juicy neck.
Ruling Planet:
Mars
As an Aries you are ruled by the planet Mars,
a freezing and barren ball of rock with a fair
few space probes crashed into its dusty surface.
Mars was also the Roman God of War, which probably
explains why you are an extrovert, an argumentative
bane to all those lazy weaklings who just want
an easy life.
Your Luck
With
Money! 
You are unable to keep hold of your cash. It
seems to slip through your hooves. You spend
wads of the folding on trinkets and useless
knick-knacks.
The Feng Shui Hippo will cure you. Send your
date of birth and, more importantly, a gravity-distorting
cheque. In return the Feng Shui Hippo will give
you a computer generated reading of the constellations
that will cure your habit of over-spending on
useless crap. As an Aries you are a sheep and
the Feng Shui Hippo wishes to serve to you by
fleecing you before the wolves do.
Your...
Future
A good Aries will live an easy life, growing
wool for sweaters and keeping the grass down.
But, one day, doom will arrive! The wolves'
banquet or the pie factory awaits!
The Feng
Shui Hippo
Verdict
The Welsh would be at a total loss without you
Aries
Star
Rating
Are Aries hopeless or groovy?
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