Cancer
The Crab
You are a crab. (The sea arthropod, not what
you're thinking.) This means you like to scuttle
sideways. This is a very useful skill when it
comes to getting out of cars.
But lurking behind those big razor-like claws
of yours and beneath that protective shell on
your back lies the reason why you are adored
so fondly, so often, by so many: succulent crab
meat.
Ruling Planet:
The Moon
As a Cancer your ruling planet is - the moon.
The Moon is not a planet. Goes to show how much
astrologers know about astronomy.
More interestingly, whilst you are a crab most
of the time, during a full moon you turn into
a
werewolf! That explains those
strange dreams you keep having. No not
those
dreams. What do you mean you don't believe in
werewolves? There is no evidence for astrology
either, but you believe in that don't you? You
pays yer money (
to the Feng Shui Hippo, see
below) and you takes yer pick!
Your Luck
With
Money! 
Like all who believe in astrology, you conduct
the occasional transaction that others might
leave well alone. To avoid getting your fingers
burned in future, send the Feng Shui Hippo a
huge cheque. Depending on how big the cheque
is, he will summon the mighty forces of the
zodiac to cure your alarming habit of giving
your money to confidence tricksters. Then smear
yourself form head to toe in cheese cake, put
both hands on the screen and yell at the top
of your lungs the ancient magic words, "
Hippo
Sex Beast!" Do this twelve times a
day until your cheque is cashed. (You shall
know moment when you hear the far away sound
of hippo laughter). And hallelujah! Thou shalt
be cured! A miracle!
(If the miracle doesn't work the first time,
Try sending a larger cheque and smear yourself
with banana custard instead.)
Your...
Future
As a Cancer, you will lose a brave battle against...
a hungry octopus. [The Feng Shui Hippo gazes
into his crystal ball] You chop off a tentacle
with your huge pincers... You will see a big,
beaky gob descend... All goes dark... The whole
world will weep, lamenting the cruel cruel loss
of a heroic crab.
The Feng
Shui Hippo
Verdict
You get to be a werewolf every full moon. Woof
woof!
P.S. The Feng Shui Hippo is a Cancer. The 5/5
rating is just a coincidence.
Cancer
Star
Rating
Are Cancerians hopeless or groovy?
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| From: |
Ellis Pointing | Subject: | 2001-06-16 07:40:03 |
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