Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle
Directed by McG
2003 PG 13
Review by Eadon
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle
- how can I bring myself to describe this festering
drivel? Good grief. I fell for temptation. After
a gruesome day of learning to configure some
particularly arcane software, I was in the mood
for something particularly brain dead. Over
the road from my work is a ghastly multiplex
cinema (Telford UK), and there was nothing worth
watching except - nay, including -
Charlie's
Angels: Full Throttle. My mood
was hardly improved by a snotty pre-movie warning
that urged me to snitch on anyone that was taping
this movie. They needn't have bothered, it would
bring more pleasure to video vermin swimming
in a curry house cesspit. Endless ads, inane
trailers, and now sinister warnings: going to
see a movie is becoming an oppressive experience.
Each year there is more bs that one must endure
before watching a movie, and movies are not
cheap to watch in England.
With the odd, token exception on a Tuesday evening, the multiplex is not allowed to show any interesting independent movies. The government should step in here, and put a stop to this American-corporate equivalent of book burning.
I thought
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle would be poor, but mild fun. I was gravely mistaken. An alcoholic stripper nun in Saudi Arabia would have more fun than a victim confronted with the torment that is
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.
Firstly take the plot - there isn't one, this
is a never-ending
music
video, amped with steroids and manic, fake visuals
that induce a squealing mental meltdown within
minutes.
OK, lets take the cast. One thing to note is that this movie is filled with cameos by desperate, fading "stars". They are wheeled on, one after another, and none of their roles make any sense. They can't even be bothered to ham it up a bit and have a laff. Sheer embarrassment filled every pore of their being, as if they knew the audience would snigger sadistically at their expense.
OK, what about the Angels? Here they are joined by Demi Moore as an ex-Angel, yes, a "fallen" Angel. Hoo har, kaboom! Demi looks like a horrible cross between your mum and a bloke. Unsexy to the core.
What about what's her name, [looks it up on the Internet] ah yes, Drew Barrymore. She is the only vaguely cute Angel. She is also alone amongst the lead actresses in her seeming self-consciousness of exactly how dire this movie really is. That look of uncertainty in her is appealing. Whilst her co-stars ran amok with shameless goofiness, Barrymore seemed exposed. By far the most human creature in the movie, she was the only one with any discernable emotion. Oh and she sported some flesh upon her skeleton, and kudos to that!
I've not seen her other works, but Lucy Liu
can't act for toffee in this franchise, it puzzles
me why she is in this - oh yeah, she's a token
Asian babe, to satisfy Asian babe fans and
politically
correct types alike. But why did the casting
director, or whoever, hire an actress that resembles
the offspring of an alien and a cross-eyed stick
insect?
Then there is Cameron Diaz. This actress was shockingly lovely - once. In
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, she is a revolting, giggling monster, and just hideous to behold. Diaz is snakeskin wrapped around a garden spade.
Then there is Bosley. Or rather, Bosley's brother. Who happens to be black (logic is not this movie's strong point, as you've probably figured out). As a comedian, he failed, but he was in good company: John Cleese blew as well.
In my review of the
first
Charlie's Angels movie in this
franchise, I opined that the moniker
Cheesie's
Angels appropriately reflected the tone
and texture of that movie. On the other hand,
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle
is more akin to "
Charlie's Arses".
Firstly, Cameron shakes her bony rear at the
camera, as if her shapeless, skinny buttocks
are somehow supposed to be sexy in some way.
No red-blooded male of the species would
appreciate
her emaciated figure, methinks. What is
the point of this daft movie if the chicks are
not eye candy? Secondly, there is an artificially
inserted joke about Drew's character's real
name being (drum roll...) "
Helen Zaas"!!!!
!!!! The lame jokes that follow on from this
epiphany include such gems as, "we are best
butties"; and something blurted by Liu about
anal-ise: probably
the worst joke
ever uttered in the history of cinema.
O Lordy, save me from
Charlie's Arses!
I was hoping for some guilty, subversive pleasure
watching a trashy piece of movie-making, but
CAFT made me squirm more than any movie I can
remember since Scream 3.
This review is a confession. I
voluntarily
saw this trash. Perhaps the only path to redemption
is to urge others not to encourage Holly
arse,
and steer well clear.
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spoilers corner
Spoilers!!!!
Warning: this box contains a movie post-mortem analysis that freely gives away important plot twists and details. If you have not yet seen this movie and intend seeing it, avoid this spoilers box until afterwards. Bookmark the page, see the movie, see if you agree with my review then write an arsy comment saying I am talking total b*ll*cks :-)
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It was interesting how the girls a) got a whole basin of champagne out of one bottle, and b) got titanium rings to float on water. Those cheeky crime scene investigations were such a hoot. And what a relief it was to see that those bullets that were fired from very large pistols (Desert Eagles?): bullets that were crushed flat against their chests, did not cause any undue discomfort to the scantily clad (purportedly kevlar vest-wearing) darlings.
I was also impressed at how the Angels
managed to spend five minutes falling
form a bridge, a feat matched only by
chasing a speeding sports car by dangling
from a light bulb cables. Ooh look!
Spiderwomen! The fights alone are priceless
drills in mice-beating-up-gorillas plausibility.
Did I sense the girls actually dodging
bullets (which always seems to mandate
performing a wire-fu-style back somersault
for reasons best known to music video
producers) via a The Matrix-style-bullet-time
gimmick? I shudder.
Unhappily, Arse's Angels is not a laff.
Trivial, giggling girlies do not mix
with a thriller plot involving the murders
of crime informants and other innocents,
that's the domain of dark humour, not
fluff. The harder Charlie's Angels:
Full Throttle tries to be a laff,
more depressing it gets. We are dealing
with forth rate comedians seemingly
pretending to have fun in an action
movie that wants to be a sitcom.
As for the climax: Three against one, then Demi falls down a hole! (If only they all did). Cue a crappy glitzy "party". A finale to match the worst of them.
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There are no more spoilers below this
point, except maybe in any user talkback
comments.
End of spoilers corner
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Anything but this catastrophy. (See spoilers corner).
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| From: |
Alan | Subject: | 2004-01-27 16:35:54 |
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