Lass Soup!!! Yum Yum!!!
Barmy scientists create lethal sharks with brains
the size of hot air balloons. "Why?" I hear
you ask with a weariness already forming in
your heart... well its obvious innit? They're
after a "protein complex" that only exists in
these sharks' brains and the bigger the brain,
the bigger the yield. Hmmm.
Why do they want the protein complex? This is
because the protein complex stimulates neuron
growth in the rancid brains of Alzheimer's patients.
There was a demonstration in the film depicting
what happens to dead Alzheimer neurons when
a few drops of shark brain protein is splashed
onto them. Synapses spring from the neurons
like frenzied tentacles.
"They're firing!!!" chorus the elated boffins
as lightening begins to flash between the brain
cells. Lightening! That's right, the insides
of our heads are lit up by a blinding electric
storm of lightening strikes. Can you hear the
fierce roar of the interminable thunder in your
head? No? Nor me.
Perhaps we're just a bit dim. It must be the
onset of advanced Alzheimer's. Anyway, these
super-smart sharks were wrought by genetic engineers.
Oh dear! OH DEAR!!! This can only end in tears.
These days genetic engineering seems a much
more immediate, topical and menacing threat
than predatory fish. Certainly I am more likely
to suffer at the hands of the former (unless
his in-laws have their way).
However even more trouble lies ahead. A corporate
financier with dollar signs in his eyes (Jackson)
pitches up. Unless he sees results within twenty-four
hours he will pull the plug on the whole caboodle.
Cue panicky researchers cutting corners like
nobodies business.
To the mid-ocean lab. Due to the aforementioned
reason the scientists hastily decide to skip
the "Preliminary Tests". Oh no! OH NO!!! They're
skipping the "Preliminary Tests"!!! Don't they
know testing is by far the most important stage
of any product's lifecycle? *... This can only
end in bucketfuls of tears.
And as surely as a cause triggers an effect
we are treated to gratuitously graphic vistas
of supernatural sharks orgiastically feasting
on Hollywood flesh. Yessssssss! This is why
we're here. And it's all great fun. Well mostly...
Guess in what order the shark-bait peg it. Naturally
it is in the order that the I liked the characters/actors.
I particularly like one actor in this film and
he was the first to buy the farm. After that,
rather than imploring the characters to "Get
out the water! For Heaven's sake GET OUT OF
THE WATER!" instead I found myself cheering
on the sharks. "Come on Jaws! Come on my beauty!
There they are! They're foolishly thrashing
about in the water! Yum Yums! What are you waiting
for?"
----WHOOSH----
---- Aaaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhh!!!!----
---- CRUNCH ----
"Oooooooh!" I cheer, "Jolly good show! Well
done! Hahahahahahaaaa!"
Comparisons are odious but so is this review
so permit me to compare DBS with "Jaws". I liked
the fabulous characters in "Jaws" and it was
surprisingly tragic when a character got eaten,
even if it was by a rubbish shark with visible
joins. On the other hand I didn't care about
the rubbish characters in "Deep Blue Sea" and
it was comedic when they got eaten by the fabulous
sharks.
And how I yearned for those taut major 7th-like
chords of John Williams' Jaws theme music. Duuuur
DUM. Duuuuur DUM. That music was a special effect
forged by an orchestra instead of an SGI machine.
But the sharks in "Deep Blue Sea" are groovy,
methinks. They possess a matrix of jagged teeth
that is almost mathematically measureless. What
a snaggletoothed snarl! Smashing! I loved the
sharks. And one of the human deaths they engineered
was so utterly unexpected that the I forgave
the film its sins there and then, even its cack-handed
attempts at philosophy. "Death is always useless"
asserts a preacher. Not in this film it ain't.
Between
mouthfuls of jobbing actor the shark looks in
the camera, winks and says "Remember kids, this
is what happens when you skip the Preliminary
Testing!"
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| From: |
Mark Radburn | Subject: | 2004-11-26 23:53:29 |
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