Jurassic Park 3 was a bit of a
bore. Not enough gore!
The first and still the best
Jurassic
Park was splendid. Back in the 80's
I was one of those obsessed kids that could
(and still can) name scores of dinosaurs, and
Jurassic Park when it appeared,
was a treat! The dinosaurs, as monsters, were
as novel and fantastic as the special effects
used to resurrect them. Sam Neil was cool. Bob
Peck was cool. Wayne Knight was (to me anyway)
cool (but then I LOVE geeky characters).
Jurassic Park 2 was an unmitigated
disaster. There was nothing here that was new,
hell not even the same good stuff. The movie
was stingy on effects. Goldblum was awful. The
whole thing was a grotesque mess. I was soooo
disappointed by
JP 2. Speilberg
is simply the most overrated director around.
He has only one great movie to his name:
Jaws. (No
Jurassic Park
isn't a
great movie, just very good).
I was pleased that Speilberg wasn't directing
Jurassic Park 3. At least now
there was a decent chance we wouldn't have to
endure cutesy kids and sugary sentimentality
and schmaltz. (I was proved wrong. Groan). What
did we get in
Jurassic Park 3? A pointless
repeat of
Jurassic bleeding
Park
2, that's what!
The movie consists of a bunch of nice guys dodging
dinos in the forest. That's it! Little gore.
Hardly any deaths. What kind of shit is this?
Hell, in JP3 they even attempt to make the supposedly
vicious and nasty velociraptors friendly and
empathetic. Some one tell me! Why? Why make
the baddies into goodies???? CRAP CRAP CRAP!
There is a Spinosaur in this movie, a beast
that is bigger than a T-Rex. But it wasn't anywhere
near as sensational. Sporting an elongated snout
it resembled an overgrown aardvark. There were
a few half-interesting moments particularly
with the Pterosaurs (huge flying lizards) but
most of the film was extinct.
The guy who directed
Deep
Blue Sea should have directed this movie.
We don't want to see people get out of there
alive. We don't want to see a family bonding.
Hell no! We want dino din-dins time! Give us
an 18 (or R) rated
Jurassic Park 4,
thrill us with a movie with some guts!
Jurassic
Park 3 is a steaming pile of poo dumped
by a spinelessaur.
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spoilers corner
Spoilers!!!!
Warning: this box contains a movie post-mortem analysis that freely gives away important plot twists and details. If you have not yet seen this movie and intend seeing it, avoid this spoilers box until afterwards. Bookmark the page, see the movie, see if you agree with my review then write an arsy comment saying I am talking total b*ll*cks :-)
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This film just sucked. Why did Sam Neil's
mate survive? Why did Sam Neil get on
the plane before the stranger's check
was cashed? Why, when shouts attract dinosaurs,
did the dinosaurs not arrive when the
clueless parents incessantly shouted after
each other and after their son? If the
velociraptors are so smart, how come they
couldn't track down a bunch of smelly,
noisy and slow humans?
The arrival of the Spinosaurus heralded
by the absurdly comical ringing of the
ingested satellite phone: implausible
- yes - but funny. Kind of.
When the fuselage of that plane fell what
must have been 30 feet (at the very least)
to the ground, and was rolled and smashed
up by the Spinosaurus, no one was injured.
A nasty case of whiplash, if not death,
would have been the order of the day.
I could go on, but I won't.
And the ending? The movie just petered
out. What a downer that was! And how good
of the Marines to pitch up so promtly....
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There are no more spoilers below this
point, except maybe in any user talkback
comments.
End of spoilers corner
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The entire cast shit themselves inside out before
getting eaten in imaginatively gruesome ways.
These are viscous dinos not docile sheep! Give
us blood and terror, not nauseating family bonding.
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goosehound | Subject: | 2001-08-25 17:43:22 |
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liz | Subject: | 2002-06-10 13:16:24 |
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Hikaru Excel Himura | Subject: | 2003-06-29 16:37:21 |
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