Lord of the Rings The Fellowship Of The Ring
Dir Peter Jackson
2001 PG 13
Lord of the Rings -
The
Fellowship Of The Ring is the first
of a trilogy of Lord of the Rings movies and
it a crucial fact - I abhor hobbits. All curly
hair and cutesy, hobbits make me sick!
Lord of the Rings FOTR is about
an evil Ring that must be destroyed by tossing
it into some volcano in the back yard of some
foul demon or other who answers to the name
of Lord Sauron. This Ring is the property of
a hobbit, Bilbo Baggins. Gandalf The Grey, an
interfering wizard, harangues Bilbo to hand
it over to Frodo Baggins, his hapless nephew.
And so yet another hapless hobbit is left clutching
the Middle Earth equivalent of the nuclear button.
Ringwraiths aka Nazgul are the Middle Earth
equivalent of lawyers. These sinister agents
of Sauron gallop atop evil black steeds in hot
pursuit of the ultimate MacGuffin that is
The
Ring. Meanwhile Gandalf wants the Ring out
the Hobbit's cosy "Shire" at all costs and he
bravely volunteers someone else - Frodo - to
perform this reckless venture.
I'm assuming most people know the story so there
are a few minor spoilers ahead, but I only discuss
the first part of the movie.
Against all odds Frodo and a few clueless mates
manage to elude the swords of the Nazgul. (At
one point early in the movie - and this isn't
in the book - Frodo is rescued by a female elf,
Arwen. The rescue involves a photogenic horse
chase, which is a bit like a car chase but for
gals.) And so the evil Ring pitches up at the
House Of Elrond. Naturally Elrond, an Important
elf, wants this lethal bauble as far away from
his neck of the woods as possible. So he hastily
chairs a council in which he fearlessly dispatches
the "Fellowship Of The Ring" - a dodgy
name he coins for a crack squad containing human
warrior princes Aragorn and Boromir, the hobbits,
Legolas the elf and Gimli the dwarf. This motley
crew is instructed to take the Ring far away
from Elrond's house before the local property
prices start to drop, or something. Elrond helpfully
suggests that whilst they are at it, maybe the
Fellowship might be good enough to sneak into
Sauron's Hellish country - Mordor - and fling
the Ring into Mount Doom, Sauron's favourite
volcano. Understandably, Frodo - as guardian
of the Ring - responds by trying to offload
his ring onto another (so to speak). He offers
it to an elvish chick named Lady Galadriel.
This offer seems to make her to suffer a multiple
orgasm. It is all very disconcerting.
Next cue more fun melee, hand to hand combat
against orcs, trolls, balrogs and tax inspectors.
You can almost hear bearded Dungeons and Dragons
geeks casting their twenty sided die (oops,
sorry,
D20's) behind the cameras. Talking
of dice, did you know most people are so stupid
they throw die softly when they want a small
number and hard when they want a high number?
The creatures in
Lord Of The Rings are
entertaining, the elves predictably look like
Vulcans on prozac. The orcs look bloody ugly
and fight jihads for Sauron. Gimli the dwarf
is more irascible than Grumpy from Snow White.
The wizards are old men but they're rock hard
old men. Don't mess with a Wizard.
So at last it is upon us: the movie of the JRR
Tolkien fantasy book. But, is it any good? I
have to grudgingly admit I was entertained.
It was too long, but everything was pleasing,
the special effects, the casting, the suspense,
the music, the action, the direction. Compared
to the book there is loads of violence so
Lord
Of The Rings FOTR is not a kiddie movie.
Destroying evil by destroying a single object
(the One Ring) is a seductive fantasy. If only
the evils and dangers of our Earth: climate
change; poverty; over population; islamic extremism;
the relentless destruction of the world's forests
and wildlife habitats; the modern music industry,
etc, if only all these perils could all be vanquished
simply by melting a trinket!
I feared there would be some jokey genre self-awareness
in
Lord Of The Rings, along the lines
of
Scream or
Shrek.
Fortunately it isn't so - give or take a nice
dwarf joke.
Lord Of The Rings FOTR works
because the director and his actors play their
roles straight. Shame its got bloody hobbits
in it though.
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spoilers corner
Spoilers!!!!
Warning: this box contains a movie post-mortem analysis that freely gives away important plot twists and details. If you have not yet seen this movie and intend seeing it, avoid this spoilers box until afterwards. Bookmark the page, see the movie, see if you agree with my review then write an arsy comment saying I am talking total b*ll*cks :-)
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The Bilbo with the pointy teeth scene
was freaky. And as for Galadriel in that
orgasm scene, oh my...
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There are no more spoilers below this
point, except maybe in any user talkback
comments.
End of spoilers corner
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P.S. This flame was breathed at me by some evil
ringwraith: it gave me a laugh so I reproduce
it for prosperity.
Name: marcin
Subject: your reveiw on lotr #1
Comment:
Ok i have read a bunch of books ny Tolkien
including The Hobbit and all three LOTR boks
so dont put !@##ing stupid reveiws about the
movie saying ya well I hate hobbits oh ya and
this guy gives a ring to his nephew and he walks
with clueless hobbits and they go to the back
yard of some guy that answeres to Lord Sauron
and have to throw it into some kinda mountain.
I dont, oh ya I have to congragulate you on
the fact that you could even understand that
much, think that you have read the books or
seen the movies. And Gandalf is not annoying.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKK?????????? Holy crude oil
i feel like I am talking to a 6 year old. Oh
wait you are a 6 year old haaaaa!!!!!!!!!! Ok
now then LOTR is about a ring filled with suarons
own power. It must be destroyed in order to
save middle earth. Frodo is sent because if
you notice in the movie Gandalf cant pick the
ring up. So he embarks with Sam and soon Merry
and Pippin join. Are you still understanding?
Well I really dont feel like explaining the
movie to someone who doesn't care. So buy re-tard.
Dragons dine on Hobbit burger.
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See also
LOTR: The
Two Towers
