Spider-man
Directed by Sam Raimi
Spider-man - for me this was the
least anticipated "event movie" in
memory, although I've probably forgotten plenty.
I yawned and went to see this thing anyway after
a bitch of a day. I asked myself if a spider-man
movie could be anything more fragrant than a
steaming turd. Only Tim Burton could have made
Spider-man work. I felt sorry
for the director (Sam Raimi), for taking on
this sorry task, but then I remembered that
he was paid more to make this movie than I'll
bother making in my entire tragical life. So
I stopped feeling sorry for him forthwith.
A worse omen was that Spidey is played by an
actor who inspires the same sense of grotesque
dread as Tom Cruise. I knew I was not going
to love this movie. But, as a kid I was hooked
on spider-man on TV. So I went along to watch
this bitch.
Basically Spider-man sucked. But
it didn't suck as much as I thought it would.
But suck Spider-man did.
Plot - weird geek gets bitten by a genetically
modified spider. Geek metamorphoses into a weird
superhero in a ridiculous costume. Hero fights
ridiculous enemy called The Green Goblin.
(I liked the newspaper editor. The rest sucked
lemons).
But... But.... (shhhhhhhhhh....) actually
I enjoyed this movie - a bit..
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spoilers corner
Spoilers!!!!
Warning: this box contains a movie post-mortem analysis that freely gives away important plot twists and details. If you have not yet seen this movie and intend seeing it, avoid this spoilers box until afterwards. Bookmark the page, see the movie, see if you agree with my review then write an arsy comment saying I am talking total b*ll*cks :-)
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The chick in this movie fell from a tall
building. A split second before her beautiful
teeth were about to be mixed with her
brains in a pavement omelette she was
grabbed by a skydiving weirdo in a freaky
red skin-tight suit, swept around the
streets on the end of a bit of elastic
and dumped in a park. And all she could
do was smile! I think that she might at
least have had the decency to wet herself
- or at least look a bit pale.
Then she wonders down a sinister alley
and is accosted by a gang of vile cretins
intent on raping her - or worse. They
make no secret of their intentions with
disgusting gestures and grunts. This is
every woman's worst nightmare (apart from
that teeth and brains omelette thing).
Then she is rescued by our Spidey. Again,
she is all brilliant-white smiles. Where
were the tears of shock, revulsion and
fear?
I am wondering who was really bitten by
that GM spider, him or her?
I'm taking the piss, but actually I'm
a sucker for that damsel in distress
lark. There will always be a protective
instinct in blokes that will be awakened
by popcorn movies like Spider-man.
To save a girl from peril featured in
my most powerful dream - when I was about
five.
There are, of course, millions
of plot holes. For example, how can a
man who's reactions and dexterity are
so superhuman he can catch the falling
girl mentioned above not prevent a mere
drop of blood falling to the floor? (Then
he soundlessly escapes from the room in
about 2 seconds). I could go on... but
I won't.
As for the final scrap, a grenade went
off in his face, for f*cks sake.
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There are no more spoilers below this
point, except maybe in any user talkback
comments.
End of spoilers corner
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More on Spider-man...
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spidey feedback
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Andrew Zagozda read this
review of Spider-man
and he emailed me thus:
>Minor Spoilers< Jim, Jim,
Jim.... So far I've always found your
movie reviews pretty accurate (ish!).
Even though you have a few (minor) points
in your review - ok, constantly smiling
girl was annoying (maybe just adrenaline?);
also, he couldn't catch the blood when
it fell because he would have fallen off
the ceiling! - I still think the film
had a great many more good points than
weak points.
Admittedly, I used to love watching
the cartoons so I'm very biased, but
the film matched the plot in the cartoons
amazingly well. How much fun was that
wrestling scene! The newspaper editor
was class. Thinking about it again,
I honestly can't see very much wrong
with it, and as a self-confessed Spiderman
fan, I don't see how you can either!
By the way, what other films have Tobey
Maguire been in before? Why don't you
like him? Just curious. Also, Kirsten
Dunst (mainly because of a cheerleading
film called Bring It On), is in my top
10 sexiest women in the world list!
Always a bonus to my enjoyment of the
movie! *grin*
AZ
Jim Responds:
The girl is always smiling - absolutely!
Terrible things happen to her all the
time, at home and in the examples I
gave. Why show the horror and then undermine
the effect by making her grin like a
crocodile?
You
say he couldn't catch the blood without
falling from the ceiling? That contradicts
the staggering dexterity he displayed
through out the rest of the movie. Remember
he can move supernaturally fast. He
could have caught that blood before
gravity even blinked. And who says he
needs both hands to cling to the ceiling?
Bullshit.
You say "I
still think the film had a great many
more good points than weak points".
I agree. I gave the movie 3/5. That's
3 strong points against two week points.
Or 60%. Not a bad score. That
means I liked Spider-man
over all. I am not one of those reviewers
that gives all movies a score over 50%
except the really bad ones.
The reason
that I didn't think this movie was great
was because I didn't buy into it. It
didn't seem magical like comparable
fare like Star
Wars: Attack Of The Clones or Lord
of the Rings. I didn't buy into
the characters, especially the Parker
relationship with his best mate. The
action scenes were fake, and - worse
- they were not exhilarating. There
was no suspense. And it had a blatant
frigging ad for a can of pop in it.
But as I said, even though Spider-man
was sucky, paradoxically I enjoyed it.
Where it was strong was on fantasy -
beating up bad guys and rescuing dames.
Not sure where
I saw the actor Tobey Maguire before.
He looks familiar. Probably mostly from
the trailers. It's just that he looks
a bit, well, too squeaky clean for my
liking. But that's probably just me.
He acted rather well.
And yes, Kirsten Dunst is ludicrously
desirable. Watching her get drenched in
the rain definitely made my spidey
sense tingle somewhat. >Insert
your own sticky white web joke here<
- Jim
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The nasty murder of Jar Jar Binks. Oops, wrong
movie...
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