Lara Croft Tomb Raider features
Miss Croft, a high class English lass based
on the computer game series. She is an Indiana
Jones-style adventurer. Lara has to save the
world. Blah blah. Lots of travel to exotic locations.
Blah blah.
Tomb Raider - The
Game
- probably works because of Lara's breasts.
Tomb Raider - The
Game
- probably
also works because youths
have a chance to
control a woman, a sex
that seems to a teenager (and adult for that
matter), inherently uncontrollable. Here, in
Tomb Raider - The
Movie
- she's up on the screen and - uncontrollable.
So, lacking the interactivity of the game,
Tomb
Raider -The Movie - has to come up with
the goodies. It doesn't. Lara's geek guy assistant
is mocked despite (because of?) being a genius.
He is even afforded the humiliation of wearing
an anorak with hood. Geeks rule the planet these
days and will have the last laugh! Heh heh heh!
Chris Barrie, who plays the butler, is a great
comedian, but he is just a wimp here. And Angelina
Jolie as Lara is nice, but lacks a certain vulnerability
that would have made
Tomb Raider
more suspenseful. The action is boring. Where
are the great monsters? Playing pass with clocks
in caves is just not exciting. The plot was
uninvolving, the revelations fell flat. The
baddie was the sort of bloke you'd want to go
to the pub with. Not evil enough.
The male love interest(?) was, like his female
counterparts in action movies, irrelevant. What
is the point of a pretty boy in a movie that
will be watched chiefly by young males? This
movie is badly thought out from start to finish.
Lara's breasts were smaller in the movie than
the unhealthy proportions in the game. They
still resembled artificial, amorphous balloons.
At one point her T-shirt was soaking wet, an
absolute godsend of an opportunity, and yet
her hooters betrayed no sign of nipple. Odd!
Why am I discussing Lara's tits like the sad
perv that I am? Well, in the movie there was
little else to consider! The monsters were uninspired
(a
Lost In Space-style
robot, cement statues or stone blocks) and suspense
and peril were on leave. The feminisation of
the action movie doesn't work here. You need
balls to do action.
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spoilers corner
Spoilers!!!!
Warning: this box contains a movie post-mortem analysis that freely gives away important plot twists and details. If you have not yet seen this movie and intend seeing it, avoid this spoilers box until afterwards. Bookmark the page, see the movie, see if you agree with my review then write an arsy comment saying I am talking total b*ll*cks :-)
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Croft made herself a sitting
duck for the machinegunners by remaining
on those slow-as-a-fly-in-treacle elastic
band things. 0 out of 10 for military
intelligence there then.
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There are no more spoilers below this
point, except maybe in any user talkback
comments.
End of spoilers corner
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Lara takes a shower, and we control the camera
angles with our joypads. If there is no good
action, then give us titillation.
Add your comment to this page
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| From: |
Phil | Subject: | 2001-07-20 08:23:13 |
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| From: |
Jack | Subject: | 2002-02-11 20:27:08 |
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| From: |
Sandman | Subject: | 2004-03-23 20:56:57 |
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