The nearest pub to Napoleon Terrace was the
Albert Tavern, situated on the corner of the
Chillington Road and the next street. It was
a thick-walled, Victorian institution with small,
intimate windows hinting at the wooden warmth
within. Inside were old musty benches with high
backs and low comfort. No fabric was permitted
to cushion their renitency. The rutted tables
were large, fashioned by an archaic chippie
from an even more ancient Oak, and darkened
with age. The floorboards were black and shiny
from the stamping of generations of oblivious
patrons. Tankards and old crockery adorned little
shelves above head height. The one feature of
the pub to have aged ungracefully was the faded
green wallpaper, dilapidated and burned by time
and smoke.
Ensconced with his housemates and Dominic in
the Albert Tavern.
After a couple of rounds Howard stood up.
'Christ, I don't know
what to think.
I think I will get the ale in!'
He lifted himself unsteadily and walked to the
bar. Dominic followed him.
'I can tell you, Howard, I've girl grief. I
still miss Sue. The Devil take all the women,
eh?'
'Well,' said Howard, 'I've no luck with them.'
He turned to the barmaid, 'Three bitters and
half a Tenants Extra please, cheers.' The barmaid
began tugging on one of the brass pumps with
a muscular forearm. 'Er something scares me
about women. There's
grief in those pastures.'
'Its frightfully droll to think that about women,'
said Dominic. 'My nerves are shot after all
the grief I got from my aberration of an ex.
Oh God I miss Sue! I don't mind telling you
that now she's buggered off, I'm lying awake
at night for hours on end, recounting events
and our times together and all the time I'm
renouncing myself: "
what did I do wrong?"
I'm all for chicks but now I think that chicks
and grief are inseparable. If you have one,
chances are you have the other.'
'Yeah, but we're still suckers for them.'
They ferried the drinks to the table. Gallie
was saying something inaudible to Greg, who
took a swig and began reminiscing on his own
escapades with the female inhabitants of Donovan
Hall Of Residence. The group listened as Greg
milked his subject for all its worth.
'She was bleeding fantastic! You should see
what she could do with a bleeding sink plunger.
That was one of the deepest, most
meaningful
one-nighters I've had,
ever.'
Gallie laughed.
'Huh! I see I will have to talk to someone
nice,'
she said jokingly, 'so I can get a
nice
conversation instead of hearing Greg's rude
stories! Should I not talk to Howard or Dominic
here?'
Dominic and Howard put out their tongues in
a similar manner to Greg.
'Ohhhhh Oh my God! I'll talk to myself,' Gallie
sighed, smiling.
With apprehension Howard noticed that as the
night wore on, Gallie smiled less at him and
more at Dominic. When the time came when the
barman cried 'Time, gentlemen, please!' Gallie
invited Dominic back to the house for coffee.
Dominic hesitatingly accepted. They walked
back to the house that Greg had nicknamed
the
coven in honour of Gallie and Karen.
The front door of the house glistened where
some passer-by had evidently thrown up over
it.
'Ohhhhh No!' groaned Gallie. 'First Howie's
sick in the hall and now
this. I'm sick
of all this
sick!'
'There's a bit of fucking carrot lodged in the
keyhole,' said Greg. He blissfully observed
Gallie, who duly exclaimed her revulsion. All
stared with incredulity as Greg plunged his
key through the gastric ooze; turned it and
thus opened the door. He pulled the key out
of the lock and pretended to lick it.
'Hmmmm. It
is carrot!' he declared triumphantly.
Gallie berated Greg as severely as she was able,
whist quite unable to stifle her giggles. The
company gathered in the kitchen. Gallie placed
a pan of water on the gas ring. Howard graciously
assumed the coffee-making chore
'How many sugars?'
'Noooo, none for me, just a heaped spoon of
coffee dear,' said Gallie.
Howard was already very aware of how strong
she liked her coffee.
'Two, my good fellow,' said Dominic. He and
Gallie drifted into the lounge.
'Greg?' asked Howard.
'Greg yanked the ring-pull from a can of strong
lager.
'I only have sugar after it's been bleeding
fermented! Here, get your gums around
this
bastard.'
'Cheers!' said Howard, catching a lobbed can.
He opened it and put it to his mouth. Burgeoning
foam dribbled to the floor. He nosed about in
the fridge. 'There's not much milk left. Whose
is the lower middle shelf, the one with loads
of yoghurt?'
'That'll be Marlon's,' said Greg.
'He's got some milk. I'll use that,' said Howard
reaching into the fridge and seizing a carton
of milk.
'
Sodom and Gomorrah! You'd better bleeding
ask him first, mate,' intoned Greg solemnly,
'Marlon's right behind you!'
Howard expelled the mouthful of lager at vast
velocity. The spurted the jet of liquid wetted
the entire contents of the fridge, but Karen's
shelf took the primary impact. Her quiche, butter
and salad glistened. Still in the crouching
position and filled with fear, he slowly peered
up over his shoulder. The kitchen was empty
of people other from Greg, who bent double and
erupted in a deafening fit of laugher.
Reprieved, Howard swore at him. The commotion
was enough to rush Gallie and Dominic back into
the kitchen. Howard's sense of relief evolved
into an ecstasy fuelled by the sight and sound
of Gallie's beautiful laughter. Greg managed
to recover enough wits to give an amusing and
exaggerated account of his prank to Gallie and
Dominic.
'You may titter, Greg,' said Howard, 'but the
fruits of my revenge will taste sweet indeed.
Besides, are we going to pinch Marlon's milk
or what?'
'Obviously,' said Greg. 'Marlon lives in his
own little world of silicon chips. If he wants
more milk he'll stuff some grass to his bleeding
computer and milk the fucker!'
'Shit!' said Howard reaching for Marlon's milk,
'Karen will do her nut when she sees her quiche
is drenched.'
'We'll cross that
fridge when we come
to it!' piped Greg, his face radiant with good
cheer.
Stressed, Howard tentatively spirited away Marlon's
milk into mugs of coffee. Dominic announced
his intention to be getting back to his pad.
Gallie grumbled good-naturedly about Dominic's
pitiless desire to leave her and expressed her
sincerest insistence that he should do everything
within his power to call around the following
evening. She told him that she would not have
him do - or go or be with - anything - or anywhere
or anyone - else. Howard reassured himself that
her earnestness was a product of her natural
welcoming warmth, and that she was like that
with
everybody. By befriending his friend,
he told himself, she was insinuating herself
into his own social circle and hence into his
own affections. He conjectured that he
was beginning to understand women after all!
Smiled with self-satisfaction, he urged Dominic
to return the following evening with a vitality
that even surpassed Gallie's own.
 | | | | |
| From: |
MudPoole | Subject: | 2001-09-21 23:44:48 |
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| From: |
MadPole | Subject: | 2001-09-22 15:20:44 |
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| From: |
MadPole | Subject: | 2001-09-22 15:29:11 |
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| From: |
MadPole | Subject: | 2001-09-22 15:38:51 |
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| From: |
Knoeier | Subject: | 2001-09-28 08:30:09 |
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| From: |
MadPole | Subject: | 2001-09-28 15:52:46 |
| | | | |
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