Hyped up with his mission to compete with Steve
in the mock examinations, Howard stooped over
the tiny desk in his tiny room and pored over
notes and books, occasionally scribbling some
maths onto a dog-eared notepad. He was subsisting
on supermarket beef burgers, strong coffee and
a hate-fuelled desire for vengeance on Steve.
From Gallie's room, the room next to his, he
heard George Michael's
Faith album and
excited female voices. Ignoring them he ploughed
on through his revision. But slowly, like water
erodes a stone, his curiosity about the conversation
next door got the better of his compulsion to
revise. He flinched. He thought he had heard
his name mentioned. Desperation gripped him
upon being unable to hear what was being said
about him. Seizing his coffee mug he pressed
the open end against the wall and placed his
ear to the base of the mug. The dregs of his
coffee trickled down the wallpaper as he listened
with the intensity of a man being sentenced
in court.
Gallie and Karen were heatedly discussing clothes.
Despite his dearth of interest in this topic
of conversation, Howard continued to eavesdrop,
feeling a pleasurable mix of guilt and furtiveness.
Occasionally he would slide the cup to different
parts of the wall with the silent professionalism
of a double-0 spy, seeking the sweet spot that
would transmit the girls' voices with the highest
fidelity.
A few days previously Gallie had reluctantly
forgiven Karen for her seduction of Dominic.
Karen had been spending most of her time at
Dominic's flat and Gallie missed her almost
as much as Dominic himself. The girls' conversation
meandered to touch on the topic of "hunks
and dreamboats" at lectures. These
hunks
frequently turned out to be the lecturers themselves.
Howard began to consider lecturing as a career
option, if it meant randy students would jump
into bed with him.
There followed a plasticky clanking noise as
a Suzanne Vega tape succeeded the George Michael
tape. '
My name is Luka,' crooned the
diva. Karen's voice soon rose to convenient
levels of loudness.
'Actually, Sue's got absolutely no right to
say that about me - you know she must be lying
with
her dreadful dress sense. I'll
always remember that time Steve told her that
she was wearing the same dress as another girl
and she totally fucking exploded! I don't care
what great oaf Greg says, Sue had no right to
call Steve a
pompous, feckless dickhead.
And Sue's such a totally over the top, irresponsible
disgrace to all women! Fuck her, I hope she
gets literally raped by Satan, the rotten fucking
bitch!'
'Weeell I think she might have been upset because
she had spent
a lot on that dress,' suggested
Gallie.
'Hey, Gallie, you'll never guess, I had this
wicked nightmare at Dom's! That crazy Ayatollah
guy was actually invading lots of little Gulf
states, like Israel, for their oil. America,
right, was really cross with Russia about it,
right, and Russia shot over some missiles and
I was like in London when they landed, blowing
up tower blocks. I hid behind a bus with rubble
and, like, debris and stuff falling all around.
I screamed so loud I woke up Dom. He felt really
sorry for me! I told him I think the world
is going to end soon, just like it says in that
Armageddon chapter in the Bible.'
Gallie said something inaudible.
'Yes, actually,' burbled Karen, 'Dominic
is
kind like that, but having said that I do miss
Steve sometimes. Steve was so
funny!
Steve made me laugh literally
all the
time. Like when we were in bed and he tickled
me with his tool and called it his
tickle
eel!'
'Gosh,' said Gallie. 'Sooo, is that what he
does to get you,
you know, in the mood?'
'Oh,
then he tells me that his
sperm
whale is hunting for its next fish dish.'
'Gosh!'
'And, like, that's not all, you know what else
he does?'
'No...' said Gallie inquisitively.
'Keep this to yourself, right, but when Steve
has sex, he likes to pretend he's a pig!'
'A...
pig?'
In his astonishment at this revelation, Howard
dropped his mug. He desperately scrambled to
retrieve it.
'...totally over the top!' cried Karen, 'And after
he, like,
cums he rolls on his back with
his arms and legs in the air and oinks like
a
pig!'
Howard could hear Gallie giggling.
'And he goes like this,' Karen made surprisingly
effective impression of a pig oinking.
'Oooh, I didn't know
that!'
'Actually, sometimes he oinked
whilst
we were fucking!
'Steve? Ohhh he
didn't!' cried Gallie.'
'It's totally true! And he even made
me
do it too! He made me
oink like a
pig
when we were
doing it!'
Gallie squealed with mirth.
'Well, actually it was kind of
cute,'
said Karen defensively.
Howard slowly withdrew his coffee mug from the
wall and meditated on this information that
had tunnelled into his consciousness. He smiled
as a plan began to germinate in his throbbing
brain.
The lounge was filling with cigarette smoke
as the girls chatted in front of the noisy television.
Alone in the kitchen Greg was preparing a raw
steak sandwich. He proudly held up the slap
of pink flesh for Howard to inspect.
'This gorgeous little beauty has been fed on
grass,
not grain. She's been left
to hang 'til she's nice and tender and just
gagging to be eaten.'
'Erm, Greg mate, I am here to ask you for a
tiny favour.'
'Can't you see I'm busy, for
Sodom's sake?
Bugger off!'
'Greg. I think you will enjoy doing this.'
Greg looked askance at Howard then turned away.
He lovingly garnished his succulent steak with
mustard and a sprinkling of black pepper and
embedded it in thick slices of white.
'No I bleeding won't.'
'I need the skills of some one who is twisted,
mercenary and, most importantly of all,
corrupt,'
said Howard.
'Corruption powers. Absolute corruption powers
absolutely,' said Greg with approval. 'Hit me.
You have ten seconds of my valuable time .'
A few minutes later Greg dropped his beloved
raw steak sandwich onto the filthy kitchen floor.
Howard shielded his ears against the devastating
force of Greg's unrestrained laughter.
 | | | | |
| From: |
Jerry | Subject: | 2002-04-24 18:27:24 |
| | | | |
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